I had come to my Junior year of college and had fullfilled all the prerequisites, so it was time to determine which direction I was to take from there.

My advisor was probably the most notable and respected professor on campus. He taught history and was very passionate about his studies. He made it clear to you the first day of class that there would be no chewing of gum, no hats worn by the guys and the door would remain closed from the prompt beginning of class to the very end… no coming and going as one pleased. But, had you gotten a late start and missed the closing of the door, no worries… you could just take notes outside in the hall. The man was so passionate about history, he would lecture at the top of his lungs. Often times, yelling to get his points across. I loved his class. I think I only took notes in the hall once. I hated to miss it.

However, once outside of the classroom, this empassioned man would become as humble and soft-spoken as a church mouse. The polar opposite of what you’d see in his classroom. If you passed him in the hallway, he would slightly hang his head down, nod to you and say something like “Good morning, Miss Simons. How are you doing today?”

Needless to say, having him as an advisor could be a tad bit… intimidating.

And I can still remember sitting there, in his office at the end of the hall. His little window looking out at the brick siding of the building next door. Surrounded by stacks of books, me sitting in the chair facing his desk and him behind the desk patiently probing… “Well, Jessica, what are your interests? What are your strengths? Where do you feel you should go from here? Do you enjoy Math? Science? Literature? (He already knew how well I ‘strived’ in History)….”

And I remember just sitting there. For three hours (not even exaggerating). Not having a clue as to where to go from there. Hating to waste his time, yet appreciating his patient insistence on helping me find the direction for my life.

As it turned out, that excruciating consultation ended with him relenting and saying “Well, there are a couple of electives here you might like. Would you like to take a psychology class or sociology class?” I said that sounded interesting enough. So, he signed me up for Psychology 101 and Sociology 101 and I ended up pursuing a Bachelors degree in Psychology with a minor in Sociology.

I then went on to work 15 more years at the job I held when we last spoke. The one in which I lost this May.

And now I feel like I’m back in that little office, surrounded by stacks of books, staring out a window facing that same brick wall, wondering….. “Where do I go from here?” While everyone else is just outside the door, scurrying about, actively chasing all their dreams, knowing exactly where they’re going in life.

Wow.

I mean, really. Who wasn’t blown away by the verdict in the Casey Anthony case today? Seemed to the general public an all but open and shut case. And yet…

“Not guilty.”

Judging from her reaction, I’d say the defendant was just as blown away as the rest of us.

“Not guilty.”

After years of scrutiny and judgment and public ridicule.

“Not guilty.”

Undoubtedly, by this point, guilty or not, her mind more than likely plagued with regret and second-guessing.  Any shred of hope for a future being crushed by mounting fear. And then…

“Not guilty.”

Now, I won’t deny what was done to that sweet child of hers was heinous and unacceptable. Nor will I deny that all signs pointed to this young mother. But, as I sat there watching the story play out, I couldn’t deny the image of grace either.

And this song “Not Guilty” kept playing through my mind, my heart challenging me to scrutinize my own life and my own indiscretions. How would I measure up with all my sins laid bare before me as well as a seat of judgment? Would I still have a future and a hope?

And I believe… Yes. Because I cling to the belief that I have an Intercessor who knows me , loves me and gave His life for me.

“Love paid the price for mercy. My verdict… Not Guilty.”

Thank you, Lord.

Listening to the recent series “Jesus as They Saw Him” by Ravi Zacharias, I was especially struck by the final installment. Below is a copy of the sermon that he quotes, “What Pilate Said to Gaius”. Though I do suggest listening to the linked podcast for the full effect:

http://www.rzim.org/resources/listen/justthinking.aspx?archive=1&pid=2108 .
 

“… “It suddenly closed in on me Gaius, the impact of how trapped I was. The proud arm of Rome with all its boast of justice was to be but a dirty dagger in the pudgy hands of the priest. I was waiting in the room, Gaius, the one I use for court, officially enthroned with cloak and guard when they let this Jesus in. Well Gaius, don’t smile at this, as you value your jaw, but I have had no peace since the day he walked into my judgment hall. It’s been years but these scenes I read from the back of my eyelids every night. You have seen Caesar haven’t you? When he was young and strapping inspecting the legion. His arrogant manner was child like compared to that of the Nazarene. He didn’t have to strut, you see. He walked toward my throne; arms bound but with a strident mastery and control that by its very audacity silenced the room for an instant and left me trembling with an insane desire to stand up and salute.

The clerk began reading the absurd list of charges. The priestly delegation punctuating these with palm rubbings and beard strokings and the eye rollings and the pious gutturals I had long-since learned to ignore. But I more felt it, Gaius, than heard it. I questioned him mechanically. He answered very little but what he said and the way he said it, it was as if his level gaze had pulled my naked soul right up into his eyes and was probing it there. It seemed like the man wasn’t even listening to the charges brought against him as a voice deep within me seemed to say `You are the one on trial, Pilate.’ You would have sworn, Gaius, that he had just come in out of a friendly interest to see what was going to happen to me. The very pressure of his standing there had grown unbearable when a slave rushed in all a tremble, interrupting court to bring a message from Claudia. She had stabbed at the stylus in that childish way that she does when she is distraught. ‘Don’t judge this amazing man, Pilate,’ she wrote. ‘I was haunted in dreams of him this night.’

Gaius, I tried to free him. From that moment on I tried and I always will think he knew it. He was a Galilean so I delivered him out of my jurisdiction, but the native King Herod discovered he was born in Judea and sent him right back to me. I appealed to the crowd that had gathered in the streets, hoping that they were his sympathizers, but Caiaphas had stationed agitators to whip up the beast that cry for blood and you know how any citizen here just after breakfast loves to cry for the blood of another. I had him beaten, Gaius, a thorough barracks room beating. I’m still not sure why. To appease the crowd, I guess. But do we Romans really need reasons for beating? Isn’t that the code for anything we don’t understand? Well, it didn’t work, Gaius. The crowd roared like some slavering beast when I brought him back.

If only you could have watched him. They had thrown some rags of purple over his pulped and bleeding shoulders. They jammed a chaplet of thorns down on his forehead and it fit, it all fit! He stood there watching them from my balcony; lame from weakness by now but royal I tell you. Not just pain but pity shining from his eyes and I kept thinking somehow this is monstrous; this is all up-side-down. That purple is real, that crown is real, and somehow these animal noises the crowd is shrieking should be shouts of praise.

Then Caiaphas played his master stroke on me. He announced there in public that this Jesus claimed a crown and that this was treason to Caesar. And then the guards began to glance at each other and that mob of spineless filth began to shout, hail Caesar, hail Caesar. I knew I was beaten and that’s when I gave the order. I couldn’t look at him, Gaius. And then I did a childish thing. I called for water and there on the balcony I washed my hands of that whole wretched affair, but as they led him away I did look up and he turned and looked at me. No smile, no pity, he just glanced at my hands and I have felt the weight of his eyes upon them ever since.

But you’re yawning, Gaius, I’ve kept you up. And the fact of the matter is you are in need of some sleep and some holidays. Yes, sleep. Claudia will be asleep by now. Rows of lighted lamps line her couch. She can’t sleep in the dark anymore. No, not since that afternoon you see, since the afternoon when the sun went out and my guards executed him. That’s what I said, I don’t know how or what or why—I only know that I was there and though it was the middle of the day it turned as black as the tunnels of hell in that miserable city and while I tried to compose Claudia and explain how I had been trapped she railed at me with her dream. She has had that dream ever since when she sleeps in the dark—or some form of it—that there was to be a new Caesar and that I had killed him.

Oh, Gaius we have been to Egypt to their seers and magicians. We have listened by the hour to the oracles in the musty temples of Greece chattering their inanities. We have called it an oriental curse that we are under and we have tried to break it a thousand ways, but there is no breaking it.

Do you know why I kept going, Gaius? Deep within the curse is the haunting, driving certainty that he is still somewhere near, that I still have some unfinished business with him, and that now and then as I walk by the lake he is following me and as much as that strikes terror I wonder if that isn’t the only hope. You see, Gaius, if I could walk up to him this time and salute him and tell him that now I know that whoever else he was he was the only man worthy of his name in Judea that day. Tell him that I know I was entrapped—that I trapped myself. Tell him that here is one Roman that wishes he were Caesar. I believe that would do it wouldn’t it Gaius? I believe he would listen and know I meant it and at last I would see him smile.

Quiet tonight isn’t it Gaius? Not a breeze stirring by the lake. Yes, goodnight. You had better run along. Would you please waken the slave outside the door and tell him to bring me a cloak, my heavy one please. I believe I will walk by the lake. Yes, its dark there, Gaius but I won’t be alone. I guess I really haven’t been alone—not since that day. Yes goodnight, Gaius.”

I have a piece of paper that means the world to me.

I keep it posted on my fridge, so I never let it be forgotten.

It’s kept inside its little plastic ziplock pouch and to most would just look like a piece of trash.

But, to me, it’s anything but.

It contains only 3 short words, followed by an emphatic exclamation mark. But, it spoke volumes to me the day I received it.

You see, several years back, a situation arose in my life that was one of those ‘squall’ moments. You know the kind. The kind of storm you know will pass, and certainly could be worse, but at the same time, really rocks your boat.

Well, as much as I knew to just let it go and not let it get the best of me… it did. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had headed to my sister’s after work to hang out with her and her kids. And by the time I got there, I  just couldn’t shake all the feelings that had come up with the squall. I kept trying to shake it loose, but it just wouldn’t let me go.

I got home that night and was plagued with emotion. Overwhelmed with emotion I honestly didn’t even feel was mine to carry and yet there it was.

Not being able to sleep, I got out my ‘Streams in the Desert’ to read that day’s passage:

” ‘Do not be anxious about ANYTHING.’ (Phil. 4:6) … Anxiety should not be found in a believer. Instead we are to take all concerns to God. We should develop something of a spiritual instinct, causing us to immediately turn to God when a concern keeps us awake at night. … Also speak to the Lord about any trial you are facing or any difficulty you may have in your family or professional life.”

Well, it was comforting to know we were on the ‘same page, as it were. Though I must confess, much of the anxiety remained throughout that night.

So, the next morning, I got up, still upset and unnerved, but was promptly reminded by my perpetual calendar:  “Spend plenty of time with God; let other things go, but don’t neglect Him. (O. Chambers). “

Let other things go. Focus on Him.

Let other things go. Focus on Him.

Let other things go. Focus on Him.

Now, I’d be lying if I said all those crazy emotions faded away the instant I decided to focus on Him. But, that wasn’t the case. It was more like a determination to stay focused on Him amidst all the turmoil.

It felt like days later, but when I got to work that day, I took the opportunity to water some of the plants outside, to be able to just have some more quiet time. And no sooner had I watered that first batch of flowers, a lady came over to me. She made sure to get my attention, despite my busyness and said “Here. I thought you might like this.” She smiled and turned away, leaving me with this sweet, but powerful note simply saying “Let it go!”, along with a mini Hershey bar.

The tears stung my eyes then, just as they still do now whenever I think about it.

Who says He’s not an intimate God? The God I know is One Who loves to show up in the details of our lives. Waiting for the opportunity to lavish His love on us. And to help us carry our burdens.

But, He won’t impose. He draws near to us when we first draw near to Him. (James 4:8)

Let others things go. Focus on Him.

If you need to see Him move in your life, I encourage you to focus on Him. It may not be instantaneous. You may not feel any differently at first. But, you’ll know it when it happens.

That little mini Hershey bar was one of the sweetest I’ve ever had, but it was gone the day I received it; however, the message still rings true today.

“Let it go!”

Focus on Him.

Yikes. Has it really been a month already, since my last Progress Report?

And have I really been slipping that bad?? On some fronts… no. On other fronts… afraid so.

Let’s see…

Exercise    √

Actually. I must say, I have exercised more in the past month than I had in a long time. Somewhat consistently. Found a short video clip on youtube with some great exercises and have continued on with my dvd that I like as well. So, although there is room for improvement, I don’t really feel like I’ve slipped too far on this one.

Reading    √

Hmmm… I started a great book I got for Christmas. I also perused another new one I broke down and bought the other day. I finally read a couple more chapters in “Glory Revealed”. However, I did pick up a book in Florida that I read in a matter of 2 nights… only to find out that parts 2 and 3 haven’t even come out yet! ~ Boo!

Blogging    √

Well, a record-breaking 3 posts in 4 weeks. Ha. I guess that is better than what I was averaging all last year. Although, still pretty lacking.

Eating healthier    √

The healthiest I’ve eaten in the last month was probably the week at Disneyworld. And that involved a lot of hamburgers, chili dogs, and chocolate cake. So, there ya go.

Correspondence    √

I did send a few cards out a few weeks ago. So, I guess I’m due again. And I do have a few more folks in mind for that.

Spiritual Walk    √

Oh, geez. How pitiful that this would be my category of greatest negligence! We have gotten back into our Tuesday night study…. which is GREAT… so I did do a couple weeks’ worth of study in that. But, I have GOT to get a time carved out for this. Morning is just not happening… so maybe try it at night again? I don’t know.

~

So, I’m really just about 50% success rate at this point. But, determined to stick in there with this! And even if I have to compromise the other items, I will have better results on the ‘Spiritual Walk category’ a month from now.

“We must take our troubles to the Lord. But, we must do more than that ~ we must LEAVE them there.” (Hannah Whitall-Smith)

~

I love this quote. It’s one I’m driven back to, time and time (and time and time) again.

And yet, something in me still just doesn’t seem to ‘get it’.

I know it’s true. I know that my life works best when I’m able to complete the second part of this advisory. And yet… it’s still just so hard!

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

Tell me I’m not the only one who insists on holding onto (typically, with a death grip, mind you)  …TROUBLES.

Troubles, People.

We’re not talking the ‘good stuff’ of life. We’re talking the muck and mire here. The nitty gritty. The irritants of life. The poison.

Frustration. Anger. Resentment. Bitterness. Guilt. Fear. Unforgiveness. Anxiety.

You name it ~ it’s what gets locked up tight in my grip whenever it surfaces in my life.

I know where to take it. I know the One Who wants to take it from me and carry it for me. I know He’s more than ready, willing and able. And yet, often times, I manage to take it to Him and lay it before Him, only to then grab it all back up and walk away.

Why is that?!?

Why do I seem to insist on holding onto all the junk in life?

I mean… Imagine a storm came up and I was caught out in it and I got a huge chunk of something lodged in my hand. I knew enough to seek medical attention. The doctor took my hand in his, surveyed the damage, carefully removed the debris, cleaned the wounded area completely and assured me all was well.

… Only to have me say ‘Thank You’ with the most sincere of hearts, turn to walk out the door and snatch that nasty piece of junk back up on the way out and clench it in my treated hand.

Crazy, right?

Yet, that’s essentially what I tend to do with many of the troubles of this life.

The big question is…. WHY?

Why is it SO darned hard to relinquish a hold on the bad stuff?

And am I the only one who struggles with this?

Okay. Day two of Molehill Management 101. And I must say… so far, so good.

Exercise    √

I pulled out my work-out dvd yesterday, dusted it off and did the whole thing. Couldn’t move today, so you can forget that, but seeing as yesterday’s work-out was 60 min’s long, I figure it counts for both days.

Reading    √

Actually did read for two hours last night and finished Francine Rivers’ “Unashamed”, her amazing take on the story of Rahab. Good stuff! Can’t wait to get crackin’ on the subsequent “Unshaken” about Ruth, tonight!!

Blogging    √

Well, I said my goal was to write anything and everything. So, here you go! Much ado about nothing!

Eating healthier    √

Got a sweet potato cooking in the oven now, to go with my yummy left-overs from last night. So, at least balanced there. As for the Ghirardelli chocolates on my nightstand… well, it’s not like they’re gonna eat themselves. (And for Pete’s sake! They’re the premium assortment! Yum!)

Correspondence    √

Have already thought of a couple different people. Perhaps I’ll write one of them tonight.

Spiritual Walk    √

Wellllll, see… I thought, through my bleary eyes that it was a little closer to 8:00 than it actually was. But, once I realized what time it was, I did get up and read my ”Streams” and another chapter of “Glory Revealed”.

~

Soooo… though there is some room for improvement, I think I’m off to a pretty good start! Onward and upward to Day 3!

Every year, about this time, I like so many others, am overcome with a renewed sense of determination. To do better. To live better. To make this life count.

Of course, being as it all comes at once, with the dropping of a big ball (or peach if you’re in Georgia), it can be a bit daunting. So daunting that, if you’re like me, it lasts until about midnight of the next night.

So, I’m thinking… maybe if I just focus on the daily ‘molehills’, they won’t become such overwhelming mountains. And perhaps, if I list a few of mine, it’ll make me more determined to stick to it.

Now, by molehills, I don’t mean the everyday problems that pop up in everyone’s lives. But, rather the daily goals and general betterments that may add up to looking back on a more accomplished year.

For instance, my list of mountains is as follows:

• Be in better shape. (Doesn’t that top most everyone’s list this time of year?)
• Average about 2 new books a month.
• Have a more consistent blog again.
• Eat more balanced meals.
• Keep in touch with others better (outside of facebook).
• Improve my spiritual walk.

As more manageable molehills, my daily goals will be:

• Walk, run, crunches, push-ups… ANYthing (it’s better than nothing) for at LEAST 30 min’s a day. Usually, once you get started, it turns out being more than that. It’s just the getting started that needs help.
• Pick out one book each week, to read throughout that week. Turn off the facebook by at least 10:00 each night and sit down with said book.
• Post. Anything. Everything. Just blow the dust off the darned thing and write!
• Don’t buy the ‘junk’ to start with. Make better food choices at the store. If it’s not here, I can’t eat it!
• Think of someone, at least once a month, that could use some encouragement or just someone I want to let know I’m thinking of them… and (gasp!) maybe even send them a card or letter. Old school style.
• Carve out a specific time to just sit with the Father. Morning would be best, so getting to bed at a reasonable time and getting up earlier would be the molehill goal for this. And again, shoot for 30 min’s and it will undoubtedly expand from that.

Anyway. Now that I’ve gone ‘public’ with this, maybe I’ll be held a little more accountable. And I’m off to make a to-do list as well… for reinforcement. Maybe even a checklist. And a pie chart. Or perhaps a schedule?

Oh, geesh. I think I’m building another mountain already!!! 

*  Happy New Year, All!  *